probably the most expensive makeup i ever bought, priced at a whopping RM485 (no discount sebab Black Friday dah lepas and i can't count on 12.12 sale y'all know hourglass palette always sells out!)
the devil in question:
yihhhh not a fan of her name and outer look but man oh man look at her bare opened, all cute calling my name Maria, beautiful Maria of my soul~ tiberw teringat Mawi AF3 kan bila nyanyi lagu ni.
i've always wanted one since last year's holiday collection tapi susah nokharom nak dapat kat sephora malaysia. this time i was in luck yeay! was just browsing through sephora apps sebelum tidur sebab well, scrolling before bedtime itu kan therapeutic? what i didn't know was coming adalah.. pembelian dalam masa 5 minit yang mendebarkan dan pabila melihat bank account sejurus selepas pembelian berhasil. evil eye, indeed.
justifikasi pembelian (walaupun tiada siapa yang kisah mahupun tanya..)
1) one palette ada 6 shades yang terdiri daripada 1 bronzer, 3 blushes, 1 highlighter dan 1 finishing powder. do you know how much each hourglass blush costs? RM249 per shade. i saved like at least 2,624 bucks! #girlmath
2) have always wanted an all-in palette where i can bring 1 for travel and just 1? you're the answer to my prayer, baby.
3) i didn't buy new makeup this year, except replenishing the emptied ones. kot. hihihi.
i ada lagi 3 in wishlist, i pernah ada 2 of them tapi both dah abis years ago and i don't know why i never repurchase padahal i suka gila. oh i remember i cuba menjalani hidup dengan berhemah as in i can only buy new makeup IF the current ones are emptied out and for different purposes (1 eyeliner 1 eyeshadow palette 1 red lipstick 1 nude lipstick and the list goes on lah eh). dan kalau i beli any makeup on a whim and didn't like it, i still kena habiskan before buying a new one.
my 3 makeup wishlist (no rush, cuma beli bila ada sale ataupun duit lebih..)
a) Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer in shade Custard (and Ginger, kalau ada duit lebih)
b) Nars Audacious Lipstick in shade Anita (walaupun di ruangan ini nama i Maria..)
c) Charlotte Tilbury Airbrush Flawless Finish Setting Powder (ini tak pernah try, but i heard rave reviews about it so kena lah try ye dak? i cuma ada 1 loose powder je now, yang Laura Mercier tu. ada 1 pressed powder Dior tapi dah tak pakai lah babe sebab i beli in 2018 kot? tak habis hingga kini. so if i were to buy this CT setting powder, i akan beli travel size je)
btw dulu i selalu ada mindset alang-alang. contoh bila i beli sesuatu i mesti akan beli full size or upsize sebab well, alang-alang. but now since i dah wise sikit especially when it comes to makeup, i akan beli travel/mini size je most time. because full size makeup takes years to finish and there's always new products in the market? bila i nak try yang lain kalau gitu?
if you were to leave someone be it a romantic relationship or a bad friendship - would you opt to give closure to that very person or would you rather not?
would you prefer to let them know the reason you leave or just ghost them and disappear into thin air?
i personally think i'm the latter.
when people did me dirty, i wouldn't want anything to do with them anymore or at all and that includes giving closure. bad people don't deserve one, ever. not that they need it or want it in the first place lah kan. but to me best revenge is just leaving quietly. not a word uttered, no crying pukul dada sehingga jatuh melutut, no long ass text demanding explanation for what they've done to you.
just simply leave and cut connections. remove and soft block them from friends/followers list. block their number. that's real satisfaction to me. but that only applies bila you betul-betul memang dah tak nak anything to do with that individual lah kay. kau jangan lah pergi block dia lepas tu stalk guna account kawan kau. tu lam-wau-dzal-rho namanya.
also, i'm mean in a sense that you all know my personality - i'm pretty much a yapper and when things go south people would naturally expect me to blow up, but here's a trick, i'll remain as calm as spring rain and will just go pin drop silence. scared the hell out of people sebab sejak bila Maria bisu??? what did i do wrong??? is Maria okay with you??? is she replying to your text??? kenapa Maria tak reply message aku??? maka hidup lah kau dalam keadaan tertanya-tanya sampai bila-bila. if you're lucky you'll find out from my close circle but often times, i suka pendam je sorang-sorang.
(masih tak move on feeling nama pena Maria, ya...)
sometimes it took days, other times it took months and this time around it took me a year, but i would certainly come back no matter how long.
i love it here. and i need to remind myself of my love for writing (and reading..) by visiting this space every now and then.
kalau nak cerita funny-funny takde dah kat sini babe. as i age, i am more bitter than i am funny. so sad but true for me there's only you~ tiberw M2M.
i kena menulis balik lah sebab i rasa sekarang i dah tak boleh menulis??? kalau i tidak teruskan latih tubi ini mungkin nanti kemahiran ini akan hilang begitu sahaja? i tiada anak untuk diturunkan kepakaran i ini. kepakaran ya. sangat meminta cemuhan. by the way i dulu nak sangat anak nama Soraya. siapa bapaknya tidak penting tapi anak i harus nama Soraya. tak kisah lah bila digabungkan dia akan kedengaran aneh contohnya Soraya Binti Jeon Jungkook. kini i tiada nama impian untuk anak dah kerana tahun depan tamat lah prime age i (tapi tidak lah tahun depan i menopaus boleh tak jangan tuduh yang bukan-bukan?!) cuma tahun depan kalau tetiba i kahwin dan beranak mungkin sekali keluar terus Soraya dan Alayna. lahhhh kenapa terus dua pulak kan. kerana menjelang range umur 36-40 tahun, the chances untuk you pregnant with twins are higher. cuma perlu dan suka untuk i ingatkan semula semua orang yang bahawasanya.... tahun depan umur i 22 tahun.
tu je lah nak bebel bagi memecahkan suasana sepi setahun tidak ke udara.
till we meet again.
With love and tender care,
Maria
(kenapa Maria? saje lah nama pena i supaya i tidak dikenali oleh bakal majikan baru....)
guys, my dear friend that i told you about previously has passed away on 1st syawal at 4 am. this, gonna be a long long post (don't say i didn't remind you :P). before i start ramble, can we just recite al-fatihah for her, may Allah ease her journey to the hereafter and grant her jannah pretty pleaseee?
okay where do i start?
i think first and foremost i gotta thank xeera sebab inform pasal kydd sakit late last year, in October. i was so removed from her that i didn't know she was sick (i'll share with you later on this). upon knowing this, lepas je ended call dengan xeera i quickly called kydd untuk dapatkan kepastian. i think i called for few times tapi kydd tak angkat and later, dia text tanya kenapa call dia tengah drive. so i called again. tapi macam biasa, i kan egois i didn't say anything about it just yet, i knew it by then tapi i wanted her to tell me herself. and it didn't take a long time before she spilled the bean. dia cerita lah like how it started and apa dia buat lepas tu semua. time dia cerita tu air mata daku pun bergenang meleleh membasahi pipi but of course she didn't know. again, i kan egois. and thatttttttt, was on 29th October 2017, time tu dia belum tau lagi what exactly that "thing" yang tumbuh and makin membesar dekat leher dia, it was a tumor by the way and a cancerous one.
sebenarnya dia sakit apa, you ask? it's a soft tissue cancer - leiomyosarcoma. dulu time sekolah she did tell us (me, fah & jet) but i tak berapa nak ingat apa nama cancer dia tu but she survived. this time, unfortunately, the cancer got the best of her.
i managed to visit her 3 times ever since she admitted to IKN. first, lengkap semua ada me, jet & fah. second time, me and fah je and the third time tu me and jet. alhamdulillah. but each time jumpa memang nampak betul bezanya. first time jumpa dia boleh cakap lagi, boleh gurau lagi, batuk pun sesekali je and yang paling penting, dia still boleh makan. second time pergi visit dia, dia dah start takleh nak makan cuma boleh minum susu je, suara pun dah berubah tapi still boleh dengar and paham lagi and time tu dia kata dia dah start pakai diapers sebab takut tak sempat nak pergi toilet. time ketiga pulak, suara dah makin tak dengar of course makin kurus sebab dah tak makan almost a month perut pun dah concave, tulang rusuk nampak jelas bila baring.
kan kat atas tadi i told you guys pasal i was so removed from her that i didn't even know she's sick? kita rewind balik ke zaman diploma dan degree. time diploma dulu geng aku 4 orang - kydd, fah, jet and me. memang rapat lah to the point 1 class 1 assignment 1 bilik (time part 3 aku dengan jet, fah dengan kydd), malam-malam lepak 1 bilik, each and everyone's birthday kita buat surprise, pegi lepak makan seafood kat tanjung dawai balik past curfew pukul 11 menggagau carik rumah kawan nak tumpang sebelum pulang semula masuk college pukul 6 pagi lol, dan gadoh siapa patut drive kereta sewa memandangkan time tu yang ada lesen cuma fah dan kydd. apparently 4 of us did apply for fast track time part 3 kat kedah semua ada reason masing-masing but as for me, to be honest aku cuma nak test power layak ke tidak lompat ke degree terus takde niat apa pun and initially aku pasang niat tak nak pergi pun. tapi biasalah, manusia bila nampak kesempatan depan mata terus niat murni nak stay dan habiskan diploma dilupakan. out of 4, 3 of us dapat lompat degree. aku, fah dan kydd. jet yang paling semangat sebenarnya, tapi rupa-rupanya rezeki dia adalah untuk habiskan diploma dan sambung degree lepas tu. time dapat result tu aku terus made up my mind, okay imma go! 1) aku dapat shah alam 2) kawan-kawan aku yang from sarawak memang cun-cun akan masuk degree time yang sama aku bakal register kat shah alam nanti. this is where everything started lah kot. sebab kydd macam reluctant nak pergi, dia suka kedah sebab dia dah ada team futsal dia sendiri and plus everyone loves familiarity kan. fah on the other hand aku rasa lebih kepada mana-mana pun okay tapi more to nak cuba tempat/benda baru.
i think things peaked bila kat shah alam kydd rasa macam she's left alone most of the times. on weekends, aku memang balik rumah. on weekdays i spent my nights dengan kawan lain-lain. i mean, dengan kydd pun aku spend time but then dengan kawan-kawan lain pun aku lepak jugak. nampak macam aku dah lupa kawan simply because dulu time kat kedah pagi petang siang malam kita berempat aje. so one of the things yang kydd mengadu kat jet adalah betapa tak seronoknya hidup kat shah alam sebab *kononnya* aku dan fah pandai so bila kena pilih partner for assignment kitorang otometik pilih each other dan dia left out (thanks facebook for reminding me of this! -___-) dan kemuncaknya (okay this was so sillyyyyyy but it happened and i kept it to myself all this while but imma share it with you guys now kita belajar lah dari kebodohan aku okay?) apabila one day tetiba jet buat status pasal apetah aku tak ingat tapi macam jet tanya siapa aku paling sayang antara kitorang. okay again it was a silly game, i was silly and i didn't think much at that time. oleh kerana time tu yang miserable adalah jet, dia jauh kat kedah sana sorang-sorang and she was the one asking the question so aku terus masuk and komen "mesti lah aku paling sayang kau jet. kau no 1!" dan selepas tu fah pulak masuk tanya siapa second lepas jet dan aku terus jawab tanpa berpikir "okay kau no. 2 fah!" again, i wasn't thinking and i thought it was just a game. so ada lah komen-komen dalam tu lepas tu tiba-tiba kydd masuk dengan ayat sentap "yelah aku last. aku tak pernah letak nombor, siapa first siapa last antara kawan-kawan aku. siapa lah aku." baiklah, time tu baru rasa macam alamakkk gurau tak kena tempat ni. i thinkkk, i think if the role was reversed dan kydd kata aku nombor last, tadehalll. tapi sebab this is kydd we're talking about - yang paling sensitif dan lembut hatinya despite the outer appearance yang nampak ganas dah tentu-tentu benda ni jadi besar. again, to me it was just a silly game. and again, i was silly!
untuk tidak memanjangkan cerita, aku mintak maaf dan cakap semua aku sayang. settle. pada aku tutup buku. aku ingatkan habis kat situ jelaaaa, kitorang delete post tu dengan harapan supaya tiada siapa lagi yang sentap. tetapiiiii, rupa-rupanya kydd masih sentap. dia up status pasal benda ni. okay takpe aku diamkan aje. lepas tu dia up lagi entah kat blog ke kat mana tah. aku diam lagi. pastu ada lah kat mana lagi dia up tentang jiwa duka lara dia pasal kawan-kawan pilih kasih. guys, i thought it should have ended there when i apologize. i thought let's just keep it low aku dah mintak maaf mari lah kita move on bukak buku baru. but maybe to some, this is a big issue. maybe to some, this is unfair. dan aku tak boleh terima benda tu. aku tak suka kawan kaki sentap lebih-lebih. dan i was once, egoistic too. okay mungkin bukan 'was', mungkin still 'am' bahahaha. but yeah, aku sekali dua orang nak sentap boleh lah layan lagi. kalau benda "kecik" macam ni nak dijadikan isu panjang berjela, i kenot go beb. so dari memula aku rasa bersalah dan meminta maaf, aku jadi bengang dan marah. again, that was close to 10 years ago, we were all immature and i was hot-headed. bila aku marah, you don't see me bising-bising tinggi suara menjerit naik angin ke apa. i am talkative in nature dan hanya bila aku diam orang tau aku marah. buat apa aku nak buang tenaga bising-bising when i can just do the classic "silent treatment"?
dan start dari kejadian tu, aku terus tak bercakap dengan kydd.
for years.
pandang muka pun tak.
dan terus tak rapat, aku jauhkan diri dari dia dan start rapat dengan kawan-kawan lain.
to make things worse, sem 3 fah pindah balik kedah lalu masing-masing membawa haluan masing-masing.
at least bila fah ada *mungkin* benda tak nampak awkward sangat.
lebih nampak jahat bila aku okay je dengan fah dan jet, masih boleh bergurau dan contact macam biasa tapi dengan kydd langsung tak dah.
over the years, dah towards the end of our degree time ada lah aku kitorang start bercakap tetapiii cuma hal-hal penting je. dah tak boleh nak gurau macam dulu lepak macam dulu. even waktu fah tunang dan kitorang gerak berdua ke penang pun, i was cold. itu lepas habis belajar and masing-masing dah start kerja. kita spend the whole day together tapi aku memanjang rasa nak marah je agaknya entah berapa ribu jelingan bitchface aku hadiahkan untuk dia. nauzubillah. but that's just me, apparently. paling lambat marah dan paling lambat reda juga naik anginnya. tak lama mana lah marah aku tu, dalam 7-8 tahun macam tu. *tampar diri sendiri*
mungkin betul orang kata, it takes a big heart to apologize but a bigger, kinder one to forgive. padahal yang salah tu sebenarnya aku tapi aku cuma besar pada fizikal rupanya, tidak pada hati.
sebab tu bila aku first learned pasal kydd sakit aku sedihhhh sangat sampai menitik-nitik air mata, menangis malam-malam pikir. sedih tuhan je yang tau. sebab aku kawan yang tak cukup baik. okay let's not sugarcoat, sebab aku kawan yang jahat. macam mana lah aku boleh keras hati nak mampos bertahun-tahun takde rasa nak mintak maaf ke, nak sambung kawan balik ke. langsung takde. dan despite ketidakbaikan aku pada kydd, belum sekali pun aku dengar dia kata buruk pasal aku kat orang lain. in fact, aku tak pernah dengar pun dia cakap buruk pasal kawan-kawan dia. padahal dulu ada je dia kawan baik lain yang dah tak rapat dengan dia. bila aku tanya asal dia dah tak rapat dengan si polan tu, dia senyum geleng kepala je.
sejak dia keluar masuk hospital awal tahun hari tu aku asyik lah cakap kat kawan opis aku yang aku nak pergi tengok dia tapi macam ada je benda every week and when i got a change untuk akhirnya visit dia, i reminded myself that jangan sedih jangan nangis depan dia. that's fairly easy for me sebab wellll, i don't do crying? not in front of people, at least? but the last time i went to see her, bertakung jua air mata daku. masalah aku, i hate saying sorry. nak bermaaf-maafan aku tak reti tapi aku tau aku kena jugak mintak maaf. sekalikkk, time jet salam nak balik dulu tu jet mintak maaf kat kydd. lalu jiwa sis jadi tak tahan bertakung air mata sikit lagi nak tumpah ya (tapi dah janji takleh nangis depan diaaaaa paham takkk?!) walaupun jet mintak maaf gelak-gelak tapi aku syahdu lebih okay kat tepi. bila jet pandang aku, aku syak dia pun terkejut apasal muka aku macam ayam berak kapur dah siap mata berkaca-kaca sepertinya baru dibuli oleh giant?! (but i'm the giantttt dalam cerita doraemonnn?!!). so so glad that i managed to spend time dengan kydd last time tuuu dengan begitu lama. sapu minyak kat kaki dia, urut-urut kaki dia, borak dengan dia sampai ayah dia gurau dengan nurse kat situ cakap "haaa ini ketua nurse ni". kita borak panjang walaupun time tu suara kydd dah tak berapa na keluar sangat dan aku pun tak berapa nak paham butir percakapan dia but we did talk a lottt. aku pegang tangan dia, urut tangan kaki betulkan letak duduk badan dia few times, bukak pasang wayar kat hidung dia. dan time nak balik tu aku salam dia dan cium pipi dia dan akhirnya mintak maaf for everything??? like finally??? well, it only took me 9 years and a deathbed untuk mintak maaf??!!! iya, kalau sesiapa nampak aku kat mana-mana boleh silakan pukul tanpa belas kasihan - tawaran dibuka sehingga tengah malam 20/7/18 ini sahaja!
waktu aku dapat berita kydd dah takde bangun pagi 1st raya tu aku punya menangis teresak-esak macam kena pukul terus capai talipon call xeera, i think she deserved to be among the firsts to know about this sebab dulukala sebelum aku rapat dengan xeera, xeera pun penah close dengan dia. mula-mula xeera tak angkat phone terus aku text dia dan lepas tu dia call balik lalu berjemaah lah kitorang menangis dalam talipon ditemani bunyi takbir sebelum sembahyang raya. bila aku borak dengan jet lepas tu pasal kydd, jet kata dia tak nangis langsung mungkin sebab dia rasa macam dah tahu kydd tak lama. to be honest, we all know that hard, sad truth tapi entah lah mungkin orang banyak dosa ni sedih dia melampau sikit banding dengan orang takde dosa. ahahaha. aku selalu rasa macam aku bersedia je kalau orang meninggal lagi-lagi kalau jenis yang memang sakit dah lama. macam tokpah, i thought i was ready, i feel like i am ready but bila tokpah meninggal dulu, seminggu aku takleh tido tiap-tiap malam menangis, kalau tertido tengah malam boleh terbangun sambung nangis. dengan kydd takdelah sampai macam tu sekali but i was bailing my eyes out pagi tu, malam sebelum tido pun ternangis sikit.
sebenarnya i wanted to share our photos together dari zaman kat kedah sampai lah yang terbaru yang setakat aku ada, tapi hari tu bila nampak semua gambar kydd dalam ig dah di delete dan even kat facebook pun dah takde, i have a feeling mungkin family dia tak nak ada gambar-gambar dia yang tak menutup aurat still ada kat social media. so i will respect that.
now that she's gone for good i want to ONLY remember our good memories
and good things about her. like how never once she said bad things about
her friends. like how she's always the more caring one in the bunch.
like how can she like lagu jiwang mahligaimu dari airmataku and it's her
go to song whenever we karaoke-ing, that appearance and that songggg,
doesn't add up to me! fun fact, i was the first one calling her kydd,
that nickname came from me sebab sem 2 kat kedah dedulu dia potong
rambut pendek macam jantan. :')
sharing with you guys, kydd's favourite song back then in merbok!
Aisyatul Nazira, April 1990 - June 2018.
semoga tenang di sana, sahabat. you fought a great battle and you didn't lose, you just got to a better place where you didn't have to fight anymore - called home.
i love you, i wish 9 years ago didn't happen and i wasn't so silly. once a best friend, always a best friend. may Allah forgive all of your wrongdoings and grant you His jannah. may we get to see each other again one day. may Allah show you His mercy and ease your journey to the hereafter.
