I berjaya khatam quran on the last day of 2022 hip hip hooray - it's been one of my goals earlier this year and i added this into the list to strike off before i perform my umrah. betul lah ek i sejenis manusia last minute dan tau tak apa masalahnya dengan being one? sampai sekarang i tak berjaya keluar dari jadi last minute sebab apparently each time i memang berjaya. lol.
when was the last time i read quran cover to cover? most probably time sekolah dulu. i selalunya suka start over bila rasa macam dah lama tak baca but never really finish. yelah kan dah kalau tiap kali asyik nak start dari awal balik tapi pastu stop halfway bila mananya nak habis but i'm glad i managed to, this year! finally, at the age of 33 - i lebih bertanggungjawab pada diri sendiri haha.
i love that i was taking my own sweet time kali ni. i read whenever i feel like it without feeling forceful. kalau dulu time sekolah baca sebab well, i memang ustaz datang rumah ajar mengaji so i takleh lari. baca sekadar baca. belajar sebab kena belajar. this time around, i took the liberty to read the translation sambil baca quran- walaupun bukan lah faham nau. but it makes me want to do better. like google for answer, tengok random video ceramah and at one point i rasa macam eiii i nak belajar mengaji balik. maybe i should in 2023.
what's your favourite surah in quran? do you have one? i have two yang i suka, i amal and i can vouch for its benefits, sumpah. Al-Insyirah & Al-Waqiah. i punya lah suka surah insyirah dulu siap berazam kalau ada anak perempuan, i kena nama kan dia insyirah - maybe with some other spelling ke macam mana but i still tak jumpa one yang i rasa sesuai. i suka EE dalam nama, just like mine. tapi Insheera macam heh??? but yeah, Al-Insyirah gotta be the first one in the list. dulu time sekolah kita selalu baca doa ni kan untuk jawab exam lah, before start belajar lah pastu kita just recite blindly bukannya i tau sangat pun maksud dia, yang i tau ustaz cakap doa terang hati. :D but yearssssss back time i macam susah hati (y'all know this one, i wrote about it long time ago), i amalkan surah ni and it did wonder to me. lepas dari tu, i memang tak tinggal surah ni in my solat hehehe. i suka tukar-tukar surah, tak suka ulang-ulang but i'll make sure mesti sehari kena ada include surah ni. also, waqiah. try lah amalkan. it might look intimidating sebab apooo sampai 96 ayat panjangnyeeeee tapi tak panjang pun wak sebenarnya sebab ayat dia pendek-pendek and senang baca. tapi i tak hapal lah so this one, i baca lepas solat. just make it a habit to recite it whenever and look how your life transforms before you. ahgitchew. hah apa lagi??? baca lahhh ingat i suka ke kongsi benda yang i tak yakin/tak suka? ini lah sebab kenapa i belum jadi influencer dan kaya raya as social media content creator tau. sebab if i'm not convinced, i cant pretend i love/like things. kemain sempat kau perasan.
and the best thing about khatam quran today is that i am once again reminded how much i love al-insyirah. sikit lagi nak merembes air mata i time sampai this very surah. macam tetiba kak nita choked, babe. cenggini haaa.
sebab eiii lamanya nak sampai surah ni and lamanya i tak bukak baca insyirah in quran?? look mom, i made it. i made it to the end. tiberw.
while we are here, i also nak pen this one down - like how i felt a little offended with something my friend casually said to me (i shouldn't, but if this still lingers on my mind means i can't help it???). earlier this year she and i were talking about ngaji and all lepas tu i pun macam sepintas lalu cakap lah "oh i'm starting again, hopefully i berjaya khatam this year" pastu muka dia terkejut gila penuh amazed tanya i "eh fasha, kau reti mengaji??? kau tau baca quran???" i tau dia bukan lah bertanya nak merendah-rendahkan i, lebih kepada macam 'wow this is something i never got to know of you' of course, kenapa orang rasa dia paham bebenor and tau bebenor pasal i??? haha. did my easygoing personality and my series of instagram stories fool you? don't. i seem like i overshare things on social media and am being transparent with people on daily basis, i sebenarnya tak. there's just so much i hold back too. hehe. but then i takde lah salah kan my friend. that's how i carry myself, maybe. mana lah i boleh control how people perceive me kan. tapi good thing about this - i feel like i should represent my belief better! i know it's cool to look open minded liberal woke whatever you call it these days. i think most of the times, i pretty much am. but i want people to know jugak yang there are certain things in life i'm being rigid with and i'm not sorry.
Anyway to clear things out - i kenal lah alif ba ta babe. my parents named me FSH which literally translates to the eloquent - yang fasih. the least i could do is live up to it?
Athirah bought me this perfume when she performed umrah back in November. Bau dia lembut je i dunno how to explain tapi wangiii. Not my usual preference for perfume, but this for sure smells 1000x better? Makes me longing for Rawdha, walaupun belum pernah sampai.
Semoga ada rezeki i nak masuk taman syurga kat dunia ni. I ada terbaca, yang paling penting bila kat madinah is to visit makam Nabi. Rawdha tu hadiah - kalau dapat masuk, dapat lah. Kalau tak dapat pun, i shouldn’t be upset lah kan. Eii siapa lah kita nak upset wak. Mana boleh hadiah nak, jumpa penyebab dapat hadiah tu tak nak? Kena tetapkan niat pergi madinah yang utama sekali adalah melawat Rasulullah. But please make dua for me? Let me taste the sweetness of taman syurga so i’ll be more motivated to strive for a better me???
Few weeks ago i siap dah termimpi kubah hijau nabawi dah. Athirah pesan doa banyak-banyak dari sini nak mimpi jumpa Rasulullah. Kalau betul dapat mimpi, it’s really gonna be him sebab syaitan tak boleh menyerupai nabi. tapi eiii i rasa takut nak doa macam tu sebab rasa tak layaknyaaaaaa.
But then again, sebab kita bukan siapa-siapa lah kita kena lebih mengharap boleh dapatkan syafaat nabi kat akhirat nanti. I never knew i could miss anyone i never met in life. I can and i do, apparently.
Semoga ada rezeki i untuk betul-betul jejak kaki kat bumi madinah, bagi salam terus kat Rasulullah and mintak syafaat dia because God knows how much i need it.
I am now in paradox - between elated and worried. Happy that it's happening real soon insha-Allah but also worried about almost everything leading to the day. Am i really invited Ya Allah? Will i be coming to your home soon? Am i ready? dengan apa yang i ada sekarang, will it be sufficient? i have uncountable sins and i for sure know, You are Al-Ghafur - the All-Forgiving but i want to do my best, i want to be able to optimise my time there. I want to really really really connect with You, ask your forgiveness, ask for your protection always, ask for your barakah in life and most importantly, ask for your syurga for me and for my loved ones.
Semoga Allah jemput, semoga Allah permudahkan.
I have few things i really want to prepare myself for before the day. hopefully time is on my side. i'm almost there!
the year was 2010-2011, kampung pandan rumah tokpah i. organ instrument makndak i, seperti yang tertera di bawah. atas tu ada sebuah compact radio 3 in 1 (radio-cassette-cd dan pelbagai cd lagu-lagu hits masa kini (baca: masa itu) seperti the power of love album etc.
lagu yang termelekat di kepala: ketongtongtong
i nak suruh korang teka apakah lagu ketongtongtong itu tapi i bet that's gonna take another post and i takde emotional capacity (dan kerajinan) untuk buat 2 post yang sama pada masa yang lain-lain makanya i akan teruskan cerita i tanpa menguji memori dan kebijaksanaan anda semua.
the song was Thong Song by Sisqo.
kalau dengar lagu ni tak sah lah babe tak at leasttt goyang bahu. itu at least, selalunya sekali dengan goyang keseluruhan badan. tahun 2000 memang rnb/hiphop tengah menerajui corong radio kita and i was so heavily depended on radio untuk hiburan music di luar waktu sekolah. ye lah babe, time tu darjah 5-6. i takde walkman ke discman bagai. i cuma ada radio yang bukan radio i pun.
fast forward to 2022. i was on my back from my weekly lepak session dengan kawan-kawan i. i was feeling a little nostalgic, bukak spotify and hit my r&b mix dan tetiba this song keluar. woof woof. brings back so much memories of a simpler times. but it hit me right there 'lagu ni pasal thong? like thong yang men interested in lah kot not the thong yang we girls use untuk curl our hair?" bahahaha. THONG AS IN SPENDA???? wait, i was singing my heart out in my primary school to a SPENDA SONG?! i was that wild? leulz. lalu kita pun bukak lah youtube might as well get the full experience of this song sebab dulu dengar kat radio je wak.
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck Thighs like what, what, what All night long (c'mon) Let me see that thong
Baby (girl, I know you wanna show da na da na) That thong th-thong, thong, thong I like it when the beat goes (da na da na) Baby, make your booty go (da na da na) (Girl, I know you wanna show da na da na) That thong th-thong thong, thong
sis, enlighten me. what kind of pickup line is this and what makes this man think that he can get any woman by saying LET ME SEE YOUR THONG~ ??? yooo bontot dia besar macam lori, peha dia gapo gapo gapo, sepanjang malam ayuhhh tunjukkan daku spenda muuuu.
mannn, that's downright creepy imma file a restraining order against you?!!! haha.
lebih menyebalkan abe sisqo ni nyanyi sungguh-sungguh wak penuh soul siap ada tarik tarik syahdu ada pstt psstt hujungnya untuk lagu berkisarkan panties wanita?! babe you kena tengok video clip dia, passionate nya dia nyanyi menari doing flips dan bergelek untuk lagu spenderrrrrrr!
rasa lebih melucukan pabila during this era yang perempuan sibuk nyanyi pasal men ain't shit - time lagu love don't cost a thing -jlo, hit 'em up style - blu cantrell pun tengah hot. patut lah makcik jlo pun fedup dengan jantan babe, dah kalau jantannya sibuk nak tengok spender dia??? tiberw.
end note: tahukah anda bestfriend i dan her then boyfriend yang also my bestfriend pernah kasi i hadiah thong berwarna kuning from CK di usia i tengah cantik bergetah mengkal hahahaahah 19-20 tahun? i tak ingat i mintak apa as birthday present tapi i rasa something yang i boleh pakai lah kot lepas tu dorang kasi i spender :( i ingat lagi sebelum i dapat hadiah tu i janji i cakap i akan pakai and amik gambar share dengan dorang (because i thought the present was something i mintak?) pastu sungguh sungguh eh dorang cakap "okay janji dulu dah dapat kena amik gambar pakai hadiah tu???" kita yang innocent ni pun lalu berjanji wak. babi.
and no, tiada gambar separa bogel i terkongsi kan pada si gila dua orang tu. i terpaksa break my promise hmmm.
I'm back, yet again. I always come back, didn't i? ;)
Y'all know kalau i kembali maksudnya apa bukan?
Ya, maksudnya sama ada i boring, sedih atau pun perlukan distraction.
Changed some of the blog layouts because it's been awhile. I'm trying to write anonymously dengan hashtag #iykyk tetapi macam biasa, jika kita tersasar kita akan delete balik semua posts dalam ni kecuali yang the first one, yang kat bawah ni.
My header says it all - i'm in this bangtan shit (no they're not shitty you're shit for hating tiberw) for 2 years now bahahaha who would have thought. so much has changed since i started blogging more than 10 years ago, but i'm still here doing some lil talk like i always did back then. sebab apa? sebab deep down this place is a safe space for me. i like writing my heart out dan i suka that in here, i don't have to feel so self-conscious sebab yang tau blog ni je tau i?! nobody knows me here yet you guys know me the best??? ahgitchew. dayum i'm feeling a little nostalgic malam ni (sekarang pukul 3 pagi, midweek, esok i kerja). i sebenarnya nak berak tapi kena tahan sebab mak i tengah mandi (again, pada pukul 3 pagi because we're random liddat).
i lately ni revisit cerita-cerita lama yang i dah tengok and selalu tengok. runningman, the originals, all the kdramas secara random btw korang tengok tak 2521?! eiii maghoh. ending paling shit sekali i dalam semua kdrama i tengok. cerita dia best, jalan cerita dia semua superb hero dia berlakon berkaca-kaca mata bila sedih ahhh i suka, i suka suara heroin bila frust semua i suka kecuali ending dia. but ending is just as important as the jalan cerita?!!! imagine i tulis post ni panjang-panjang dan tetiba i hila---
haaaa geram kan. macam tu lah perasaan i pada cerita 2521. tapi tak pasti kenapa nak kena tengok lagi? adakah i suka disakiti? atau i sengaja mahu alasan untuk memaki? haa amaciam okay kan pantun 3 kerat i. i guess i masih boleh menulis lah. i memang talented tiberw (refer description kat profile i).
sebelum i habiskan tulisan pertama di tahun 2022 ini, izinkan i share satu lagu khas buat semua. i boleh share live video but i don't want to overwhelm you, this is just the beginning kan. more to come. haha.
i am in the shadow behind the stage, i am in the darkness
i didn't want to show you everything including my pain
but i was still too clumsy, i only wanted to make you laugh
i wanted to be good to you
(so thanks) for believing in me
for handling these tears and cuts
(so thanks) for being my light
for showing me the beauty in this moment of life
endnote: jam menunjukkan pukul 3.43am. i dah berjaya berak, semoga i berjaya tidur pula lepas ni.
guys, my dear friend that i told you about previously has passed away on 1st syawal at 4 am. this, gonna be a long long post (don't say i didn't remind you :P). before i start ramble, can we just recite al-fatihah for her, may Allah ease her journey to the hereafter and grant her jannah pretty pleaseee?
okay where do i start?
i think first and foremost i gotta thank xeera sebab inform pasal kydd sakit late last year, in October. i was so removed from her that i didn't know she was sick (i'll share with you later on this). upon knowing this, lepas je ended call dengan xeera i quickly called kydd untuk dapatkan kepastian. i think i called for few times tapi kydd tak angkat and later, dia text tanya kenapa call dia tengah drive. so i called again. tapi macam biasa, i kan egois i didn't say anything about it just yet, i knew it by then tapi i wanted her to tell me herself. and it didn't take a long time before she spilled the bean. dia cerita lah like how it started and apa dia buat lepas tu semua. time dia cerita tu air mata daku pun bergenang meleleh membasahi pipi but of course she didn't know. again, i kan egois. and thatttttttt, was on 29th October 2017, time tu dia belum tau lagi what exactly that "thing" yang tumbuh and makin membesar dekat leher dia, it was a tumor by the way and a cancerous one.
sebenarnya dia sakit apa, you ask? it's a soft tissue cancer - leiomyosarcoma. dulu time sekolah she did tell us (me, fah & jet) but i tak berapa nak ingat apa nama cancer dia tu but she survived. this time, unfortunately, the cancer got the best of her.
i managed to visit her 3 times ever since she admitted to IKN. first, lengkap semua ada me, jet & fah. second time, me and fah je and the third time tu me and jet. alhamdulillah. but each time jumpa memang nampak betul bezanya. first time jumpa dia boleh cakap lagi, boleh gurau lagi, batuk pun sesekali je and yang paling penting, dia still boleh makan. second time pergi visit dia, dia dah start takleh nak makan cuma boleh minum susu je, suara pun dah berubah tapi still boleh dengar and paham lagi and time tu dia kata dia dah start pakai diapers sebab takut tak sempat nak pergi toilet. time ketiga pulak, suara dah makin tak dengar of course makin kurus sebab dah tak makan almost a month perut pun dah concave, tulang rusuk nampak jelas bila baring.
kan kat atas tadi i told you guys pasal i was so removed from her that i didn't even know she's sick? kita rewind balik ke zaman diploma dan degree. time diploma dulu geng aku 4 orang - kydd, fah, jet and me. memang rapat lah to the point 1 class 1 assignment 1 bilik (time part 3 aku dengan jet, fah dengan kydd), malam-malam lepak 1 bilik, each and everyone's birthday kita buat surprise, pegi lepak makan seafood kat tanjung dawai balik past curfew pukul 11 menggagau carik rumah kawan nak tumpang sebelum pulang semula masuk college pukul 6 pagi lol, dan gadoh siapa patut drive kereta sewa memandangkan time tu yang ada lesen cuma fah dan kydd. apparently 4 of us did apply for fast track time part 3 kat kedah semua ada reason masing-masing but as for me, to be honest aku cuma nak test power layak ke tidak lompat ke degree terus takde niat apa pun and initially aku pasang niat tak nak pergi pun. tapi biasalah, manusia bila nampak kesempatan depan mata terus niat murni nak stay dan habiskan diploma dilupakan. out of 4, 3 of us dapat lompat degree. aku, fah dan kydd. jet yang paling semangat sebenarnya, tapi rupa-rupanya rezeki dia adalah untuk habiskan diploma dan sambung degree lepas tu. time dapat result tu aku terus made up my mind, okay imma go! 1) aku dapat shah alam 2) kawan-kawan aku yang from sarawak memang cun-cun akan masuk degree time yang sama aku bakal register kat shah alam nanti. this is where everything started lah kot. sebab kydd macam reluctant nak pergi, dia suka kedah sebab dia dah ada team futsal dia sendiri and plus everyone loves familiarity kan. fah on the other hand aku rasa lebih kepada mana-mana pun okay tapi more to nak cuba tempat/benda baru.
i think things peaked bila kat shah alam kydd rasa macam she's left alone most of the times. on weekends, aku memang balik rumah. on weekdays i spent my nights dengan kawan lain-lain. i mean, dengan kydd pun aku spend time but then dengan kawan-kawan lain pun aku lepak jugak. nampak macam aku dah lupa kawan simply because dulu time kat kedah pagi petang siang malam kita berempat aje. so one of the things yang kydd mengadu kat jet adalah betapa tak seronoknya hidup kat shah alam sebab *kononnya* aku dan fah pandai so bila kena pilih partner for assignment kitorang otometik pilih each other dan dia left out (thanks facebook for reminding me of this! -___-) dan kemuncaknya (okay this was so sillyyyyyy but it happened and i kept it to myself all this while but imma share it with you guys now kita belajar lah dari kebodohan aku okay?) apabila one day tetiba jet buat status pasal apetah aku tak ingat tapi macam jet tanya siapa aku paling sayang antara kitorang. okay again it was a silly game, i was silly and i didn't think much at that time. oleh kerana time tu yang miserable adalah jet, dia jauh kat kedah sana sorang-sorang and she was the one asking the question so aku terus masuk and komen "mesti lah aku paling sayang kau jet. kau no 1!" dan selepas tu fah pulak masuk tanya siapa second lepas jet dan aku terus jawab tanpa berpikir "okay kau no. 2 fah!" again, i wasn't thinking and i thought it was just a game. so ada lah komen-komen dalam tu lepas tu tiba-tiba kydd masuk dengan ayat sentap "yelah aku last. aku tak pernah letak nombor, siapa first siapa last antara kawan-kawan aku. siapa lah aku." baiklah, time tu baru rasa macam alamakkk gurau tak kena tempat ni. i thinkkk, i think if the role was reversed dan kydd kata aku nombor last, tadehalll. tapi sebab this is kydd we're talking about - yang paling sensitif dan lembut hatinya despite the outer appearance yang nampak ganas dah tentu-tentu benda ni jadi besar. again, to me it was just a silly game. and again, i was silly!
untuk tidak memanjangkan cerita, aku mintak maaf dan cakap semua aku sayang. settle. pada aku tutup buku. aku ingatkan habis kat situ jelaaaa, kitorang delete post tu dengan harapan supaya tiada siapa lagi yang sentap. tetapiiiii, rupa-rupanya kydd masih sentap. dia up status pasal benda ni. okay takpe aku diamkan aje. lepas tu dia up lagi entah kat blog ke kat mana tah. aku diam lagi. pastu ada lah kat mana lagi dia up tentang jiwa duka lara dia pasal kawan-kawan pilih kasih. guys, i thought it should have ended there when i apologize. i thought let's just keep it low aku dah mintak maaf mari lah kita move on bukak buku baru. but maybe to some, this is a big issue. maybe to some, this is unfair. dan aku tak boleh terima benda tu. aku tak suka kawan kaki sentap lebih-lebih. dan i was once, egoistic too. okay mungkin bukan 'was', mungkin still 'am' bahahaha. but yeah, aku sekali dua orang nak sentap boleh lah layan lagi. kalau benda "kecik" macam ni nak dijadikan isu panjang berjela, i kenot go beb. so dari memula aku rasa bersalah dan meminta maaf, aku jadi bengang dan marah. again, that was close to 10 years ago, we were all immature and i was hot-headed. bila aku marah, you don't see me bising-bising tinggi suara menjerit naik angin ke apa. i am talkative in nature dan hanya bila aku diam orang tau aku marah. buat apa aku nak buang tenaga bising-bising when i can just do the classic "silent treatment"?
dan start dari kejadian tu, aku terus tak bercakap dengan kydd.
for years.
pandang muka pun tak.
dan terus tak rapat, aku jauhkan diri dari dia dan start rapat dengan kawan-kawan lain.
to make things worse, sem 3 fah pindah balik kedah lalu masing-masing membawa haluan masing-masing.
at least bila fah ada *mungkin* benda tak nampak awkward sangat.
lebih nampak jahat bila aku okay je dengan fah dan jet, masih boleh bergurau dan contact macam biasa tapi dengan kydd langsung tak dah.
over the years, dah towards the end of our degree time ada lah aku kitorang start bercakap tetapiii cuma hal-hal penting je. dah tak boleh nak gurau macam dulu lepak macam dulu. even waktu fah tunang dan kitorang gerak berdua ke penang pun, i was cold. itu lepas habis belajar and masing-masing dah start kerja. kita spend the whole day together tapi aku memanjang rasa nak marah je agaknya entah berapa ribu jelingan bitchface aku hadiahkan untuk dia. nauzubillah. but that's just me, apparently. paling lambat marah dan paling lambat reda juga naik anginnya. tak lama mana lah marah aku tu, dalam 7-8 tahun macam tu. *tampar diri sendiri*
mungkin betul orang kata, it takes a big heart to apologize but a bigger, kinder one to forgive. padahal yang salah tu sebenarnya aku tapi aku cuma besar pada fizikal rupanya, tidak pada hati.
sebab tu bila aku first learned pasal kydd sakit aku sedihhhh sangat sampai menitik-nitik air mata, menangis malam-malam pikir. sedih tuhan je yang tau. sebab aku kawan yang tak cukup baik. okay let's not sugarcoat, sebab aku kawan yang jahat. macam mana lah aku boleh keras hati nak mampos bertahun-tahun takde rasa nak mintak maaf ke, nak sambung kawan balik ke. langsung takde. dan despite ketidakbaikan aku pada kydd, belum sekali pun aku dengar dia kata buruk pasal aku kat orang lain. in fact, aku tak pernah dengar pun dia cakap buruk pasal kawan-kawan dia. padahal dulu ada je dia kawan baik lain yang dah tak rapat dengan dia. bila aku tanya asal dia dah tak rapat dengan si polan tu, dia senyum geleng kepala je.
sejak dia keluar masuk hospital awal tahun hari tu aku asyik lah cakap kat kawan opis aku yang aku nak pergi tengok dia tapi macam ada je benda every week and when i got a change untuk akhirnya visit dia, i reminded myself that jangan sedih jangan nangis depan dia. that's fairly easy for me sebab wellll, i don't do crying? not in front of people, at least? but the last time i went to see her, bertakung jua air mata daku. masalah aku, i hate saying sorry. nak bermaaf-maafan aku tak reti tapi aku tau aku kena jugak mintak maaf. sekalikkk, time jet salam nak balik dulu tu jet mintak maaf kat kydd. lalu jiwa sis jadi tak tahan bertakung air mata sikit lagi nak tumpah ya (tapi dah janji takleh nangis depan diaaaaa paham takkk?!) walaupun jet mintak maaf gelak-gelak tapi aku syahdu lebih okay kat tepi. bila jet pandang aku, aku syak dia pun terkejut apasal muka aku macam ayam berak kapur dah siap mata berkaca-kaca sepertinya baru dibuli oleh giant?! (but i'm the giantttt dalam cerita doraemonnn?!!). so so glad that i managed to spend time dengan kydd last time tuuu dengan begitu lama. sapu minyak kat kaki dia, urut-urut kaki dia, borak dengan dia sampai ayah dia gurau dengan nurse kat situ cakap "haaa ini ketua nurse ni". kita borak panjang walaupun time tu suara kydd dah tak berapa na keluar sangat dan aku pun tak berapa nak paham butir percakapan dia but we did talk a lottt. aku pegang tangan dia, urut tangan kaki betulkan letak duduk badan dia few times, bukak pasang wayar kat hidung dia. dan time nak balik tu aku salam dia dan cium pipi dia dan akhirnya mintak maaf for everything??? like finally??? well, it only took me 9 years and a deathbed untuk mintak maaf??!!! iya, kalau sesiapa nampak aku kat mana-mana boleh silakan pukul tanpa belas kasihan - tawaran dibuka sehingga tengah malam 20/7/18 ini sahaja!
waktu aku dapat berita kydd dah takde bangun pagi 1st raya tu aku punya menangis teresak-esak macam kena pukul terus capai talipon call xeera, i think she deserved to be among the firsts to know about this sebab dulukala sebelum aku rapat dengan xeera, xeera pun penah close dengan dia. mula-mula xeera tak angkat phone terus aku text dia dan lepas tu dia call balik lalu berjemaah lah kitorang menangis dalam talipon ditemani bunyi takbir sebelum sembahyang raya. bila aku borak dengan jet lepas tu pasal kydd, jet kata dia tak nangis langsung mungkin sebab dia rasa macam dah tahu kydd tak lama. to be honest, we all know that hard, sad truth tapi entah lah mungkin orang banyak dosa ni sedih dia melampau sikit banding dengan orang takde dosa. ahahaha. aku selalu rasa macam aku bersedia je kalau orang meninggal lagi-lagi kalau jenis yang memang sakit dah lama. macam tokpah, i thought i was ready, i feel like i am ready but bila tokpah meninggal dulu, seminggu aku takleh tido tiap-tiap malam menangis, kalau tertido tengah malam boleh terbangun sambung nangis. dengan kydd takdelah sampai macam tu sekali but i was bailing my eyes out pagi tu, malam sebelum tido pun ternangis sikit.
sebenarnya i wanted to share our photos together dari zaman kat kedah sampai lah yang terbaru yang setakat aku ada, tapi hari tu bila nampak semua gambar kydd dalam ig dah di delete dan even kat facebook pun dah takde, i have a feeling mungkin family dia tak nak ada gambar-gambar dia yang tak menutup aurat still ada kat social media. so i will respect that.
now that she's gone for good i want to ONLY remember our good memories
and good things about her. like how never once she said bad things about
her friends. like how she's always the more caring one in the bunch.
like how can she like lagu jiwang mahligaimu dari airmataku and it's her
go to song whenever we karaoke-ing, that appearance and that songggg,
doesn't add up to me! fun fact, i was the first one calling her kydd,
that nickname came from me sebab sem 2 kat kedah dedulu dia potong
rambut pendek macam jantan. :')
sharing with you guys, kydd's favourite song back then in merbok!
Aisyatul Nazira, April 1990 - June 2018.
semoga tenang di sana, sahabat. you fought a great battle and you didn't lose, you just got to a better place where you didn't have to fight anymore - called home.
i love you, i wish 9 years ago didn't happen and i wasn't so silly. once a best friend, always a best friend. may Allah forgive all of your wrongdoings and grant you His jannah. may we get to see each other again one day. may Allah show you His mercy and ease your journey to the hereafter.
